what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
