So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
i need to put some appletini on your dick
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
