Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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