I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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