in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
