You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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