theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
