I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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