I bet he comes in French.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
