Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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