I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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