my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
