Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
