i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
