if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
