if i can run in heels then i can drive
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I enjoy the company of your penis
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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