Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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