end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
