I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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