I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
