You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
