note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
