Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
