I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
