Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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