if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
