saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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