Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
