And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
