I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
