I wish I could punch you in the face.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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