Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
