apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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