Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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