Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
