The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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