Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
