i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
