she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
