We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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