I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
there is glitter all over my balls
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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