it wasn't lemon gatorade
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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