i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
It's shark week go big or go home
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Randomize
