He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
