if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
