I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Randomize
