The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
