I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
