You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
