oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
